Ages ago (nearly a month now), I said I would try to unpack my responses to
this post by
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
mac_stone, but then November exploded all over the place (I was ill, my sister was moving, I had to travel, the list goes on), and I just wasn't up to making this post. Today, I'm going to try.
Like far too many other women of my acquaintance, I'm a survivor of sexual violence. I'm not going to go into any more detail on that right now, but I wanted to put it out there up front, so that you know where I'm coming from. Now, if you haven't read Mac's entry, this would be a good time to do that. Okay? Okay.
Mac can't imagine that any woman would draw and write this particular
comic. I can.
When I first saw that comic on my friendslist (which acts as my catch-all rss reader), I thought it was funny, in part because it was true. I can think of several friends who have had that kind of thought, have told me about their frustrations in getting that one cute person to notice them, and I've sympathized. Now, as a rule,
I don't talk to anyone in the wild unless I have to, but then I'm socially anxious and reserved. I moved to Boston for the comfortable level of expected social interaction with strangers (well, that and the weather, but still). But people vary, and I know others who love getting to know random strangers. And more than that, I know women who see the same people every day on their commute, and want to talk to them, or maybe even date them. It does happen.
As for the guy's side of it, I had the pleasure of meeting Randall Munroe a while ago, and he seemed like the sort of person who would think up a comic like that because he understands that it is absolutely necessary for men to think about how their approach might threaten a woman. And you know, I think at least some of them do. Not all of them, and not nearly enough of them, but some. My sister recently got a missed connection on Craigslist, for instance. A man had seen her in public, but didn't want to creepily hit on her then, so he put it out there on the internet in case she wanted to say hello. I don't think she did, because a lot of the stuff in Mac's post about women being wary of strange men is grounded in truth. She doesn't know who this guy is, and I don't think she wants to get into a situation where she'd a) be in danger, or b) have to do a lot of "please go away now" talking. I can totally understand both of those things. But you know what? Getting that missed connection was nice. It was non-threatening, and flattering. And I think the guy who wrote it knew that chatting her up when he first saw her would not necessarily be either of those things.
Now, having said all that, it's important to note that a lot of violence, sexual or otherwise, comes from people one already knows. I am keenly aware of this, and I'm cautious about who I trust. Maybe that's what makes me less concerned about strangers on trains than some other women seem to be. Or maybe it's that there are usually other people around in those situations. Put me into a subway car alone with a strange man, and I'll get very anxious if he pays me any attention. In a full car, I'll probably just be annoyed.
Now, back to my sister. She's cute, petite, and friendly, and she gets hit on
all the time. In the last few weeks, on top of that missed connection, she's been asked out at least twice while she was on her way to work, and by two out of three apartment brokers (the third was a straight woman, in case you were wondering). In the past few weeks, I've been hit on by no one. I am, granted, not as conventionally attractive as my sister is, but what I think it really comes down to is that I tend to send "go away" signals. I read books, I listen to my ipod, I naturally adopt poses that serve to guard against contact rather than to welcome it.
My sister was obviously engaged in a non-contact-inviting activity when the missed connections guy saw her, but other times, she reads as open and approachable. And I don't know that it's bad that people ask her out. I think as long as they don't try to invade her space, and respect any signals she gives once they initiate contact, it's probably okay. And I think that's at the root of the XKCD strip. It's when people don't back off that things get really uncool.* This particularly happens with men a lot of the time, but is bad no matter which gender the initiator identifies as. Telling someone they have a cute netbook is one thing. Trying to force further conversation if the person ignores you or seems uncomfortable is another. But the thing is, most people really wouldn't bite someone's head off for a casual comment like that, and I think that's worth considering alongside the other stuff.
I was going to talk about earrings and Dan Savage and Disney Princesses, but I think this is enough for today. Maybe I'll come back to those things later. I welcome discussion in the comments, but please respect other commenters, okay? For a lot of us, this sort of thing is hard to talk about, and we really don't need people coming in and shouting at us when we get up the courage to say something.
*Like the time in France when a guy complimented me on the street late at night and got aggressive when I wouldn't acknowledge him. He eventually got right up in my face, and I pointed at my throat as if to say, "I have laryngitis! I can't possibly answer!" because I really, really didn't want him to know I was American. He thought I was mute, and then felt really awful and apologized copiously for having harassed a mute woman, which was good because it let me off the hook, but also, WTF? Why did he think it was okay to harass a woman as long as she wasn't mute? Seriously not cool. 
drained
happy
contemplative
confused
